Save your marriage while you’re still happy

This is another Guest Post by Dana Flannery, thanks so much for your contribution,sis.

Save your marriage while you’re still happy…. five tips for preparing for the best!

You may be blissfully wed, or you may not even be married yet; but consider that around 40% of marriages now end in divorce. These couples were once in love and hopeful for a happy future together but are love and hope enough to save marriages these days? More and more experts are now urging you to take steps to save your marriage even when it’s happy, so here are some tips to help you through.

1. Marriage Education Classes. In some countries, a course in Marriage Education is compulsory. Courses are available through some churches or with professional counselors and psychologists. The course will teach you to save your marriage through better communication and compromise. Note that your particular situation will not generally be discussed in these courses (especially if they are a group course) they are more a general overview for couples. If you feel your relationship needs careful examination and assessment by a professional, you should seek marriage counseling, not education.

2. Discuss your finances openly and create a practical, livable budget. With marriage comes change in your financial priorities and if you are still coasting along like two singles, you will find yourselves in trouble down the line. Whether it is saving for a house, preparing for parenthood or simply combining your incomes, financial pressure and disagreement is one of the leading causes of divorce. Decide if you should use one account or if you will pool some money but keep a separate account each. Discuss the option of having one partner at home with children and the financial implications that may have. Try to always have a little emergency money saved too, as it can take pressure off during particularly stressful times in your marriage such as unemployment or sickness, in short saving your pennies now could save your marriage down the line.

3. Decide who should be responsible for home duties. More and more, home duties such as cooking and cleaning are now shared. With both partners at work, it is important to decide how labor should be divided. Decide also how this will change if or when you have children. This is such a ridiculous reason to fight but daily annoyances can and do add up, so if a consensus cannot be reached on chores, it may be worth the expense of a weekly cleaner to save your marriage!

4. Use the “I feel, I need” method of conflict resolution. You may feel like you are constantly asking for help and constantly being ignored. This is, more often than not, a communication problem rather than meanness or apathy on the part of your partner. The “I feel, I need” method is a proven way to cut down on communication problems and is a favourite of cognitive psychologists. All conflict resolutions should be structured as “I feel (emotion), I need (solution to problem). For example, “I feel exhausted, I need more help with the baby” – not, “I feel like you never help me”. Once you commence using this structure you may learn that you have more trouble identifying your emotions than you once thought and this can be a particularly helpful way to manage excessive anger or frustration.

5. Listen. Don’t just hear what your partner is saying; listen to how he or she is feeling. Try to determine if he or she is really upset about a single incident or if it is a sign of an underlying frustration. For example, your partner may say “I am sick of you spending so much time with your friends” may simply mean, I feel sad because I miss you and love you and want to spend more quality time with you.

Even if you are already married and currently happily married, it never hurts to put some measures in place to save your marriage in the future.

About the Author: Dana Flannery is a happily married Marriage Celebrant who has advised countless couples on preparing for a successful marriage. Find out more about Dana at Brisbane Civil Celebrant